Mommy shopping?

Yesterday was a search for a place to call home. A place where people understand the emotional stress of losing a parent. My sister, Sarah, and I went to a support group in the morning and we found ourselves sitting at a table with about 15 widows. All of them older than the age my mom was when she passed away. Every one of our new friends at the table where extremely sweet but there were a few emotions I did not expect to experience. As we were talking and sharing stories, the group members kept making comments like "keep coming we need young blood to bring up our spirits and help us realize things could be worse" and "you don't need to worry, you now have a room full of adults that can help you." As sweet as it was, it made me feel more lost. More times than not I feel this sense of pity from adults when they see what Sarah and I are going through. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the support. Having dinners and getting advice is one thing, but there are times where I feel like I am shopping around for a new parent. I had an amazing mother that prepared me for the sad fact that she was going to die. I need support, not a new mom. The people I am close to seem to understand this but in the search for a support group I leave the room feeling extremely tired from the "mommy shopping." This lead me to a dead end search for a young adult support group. There has to be people like me out there! How can there not be a group dedicated to us? Continuing to attend groups, like the one yesterday, makes me feel alone.

Another weird aspect of the group yesterday was the fact I felt like I related to some of the things the widows were saying. They talked about the loneliness at bed time as they will have flash backs to the person that use to sleep next to them. It is weird to experience those same flash backs but not with a mate, but with my mom. I miss her so much at night...

The group also asked/assumed I had a boyfriend to help me through this. When I stated I was single the conversation quickly changed to how I needed to find someone to help me. Why do I need a man to help me? Yes, companionship would be nice but the last thing I need is a stress of a relationship. What these women do not realize is that I experience a partnership with my mom. I saw how stressful a relationship can be when money, responsibility, etc is added to the mix. I no longer have a fairy tale fantasy and I know the last thing I need is that stress in my life right now. I am too wrapped around my life right now to add someone new to that mix. I know I do not have it in me to give to a relationship what I need to right now and I wish I didn't feel like society wants to marry me off because I cannot handle life alone.

Yesterday was a weird, stressful day. Hopefully Sarah and I find our community that can help us and not leave us "mommy shopping."