Friendship

My mom always told me that you find out who your true friends are when you are going through a difficult time. Whenever I would make a new friend and she would meet them she would tell me honestly what she thought of them and if they would be there for me when she was gone. I know that is probably a bit weird but seeing that my mom always had her death on her mind, I think it was her way of convincing herself that I would be taken care of.

In the past month and a half, I have truly seen who my real friends are. I would not be able to survive without their love and support. Some of them are friends that were close to me when my mom passed and some are good friends from the past that have walked back into my life. I wish I could express to all of them how much they mean to me. Some "friends" have shown their true colors over the weeks and it is really hitting hard knowing that the friendship was not what I thought. Friends that were in my "best friend" category have yet to have a conversation with me since my mom's passing. How is that possible? How are you so blinded when it comes to relationships? I wish these few "friends" knew how much it hurts to not have them by me right now. It is lonely enough to lose me mom and in a lot of ways my dad, I do not need to add friends to that mix.

Even with how much it hurts to not have those "friends" when I need them the most, I remind myself the amazing friends that I have. They listen to me talk on and on about memories of my mom and let me cry as long as I need to let everything out. I love these friends more than words can express!

It also amazes me that my mom's friends have been such a source of support. I love having them share memories of my mom from before I was born. I love learning my mom loved to go out and dance and hear about her love of life. Hearing these stories makes me feel more connected to my mom and hope to hear more as time goes on...

I guess I will end with a quote from a frame a friend gave me awhile back "it isn't about where you go or what you do, but who is beside you that really matters." Thanks to those that are standing beside me!

Mommy shopping?

Yesterday was a search for a place to call home. A place where people understand the emotional stress of losing a parent. My sister, Sarah, and I went to a support group in the morning and we found ourselves sitting at a table with about 15 widows. All of them older than the age my mom was when she passed away. Every one of our new friends at the table where extremely sweet but there were a few emotions I did not expect to experience. As we were talking and sharing stories, the group members kept making comments like "keep coming we need young blood to bring up our spirits and help us realize things could be worse" and "you don't need to worry, you now have a room full of adults that can help you." As sweet as it was, it made me feel more lost. More times than not I feel this sense of pity from adults when they see what Sarah and I are going through. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the support. Having dinners and getting advice is one thing, but there are times where I feel like I am shopping around for a new parent. I had an amazing mother that prepared me for the sad fact that she was going to die. I need support, not a new mom. The people I am close to seem to understand this but in the search for a support group I leave the room feeling extremely tired from the "mommy shopping." This lead me to a dead end search for a young adult support group. There has to be people like me out there! How can there not be a group dedicated to us? Continuing to attend groups, like the one yesterday, makes me feel alone.

Another weird aspect of the group yesterday was the fact I felt like I related to some of the things the widows were saying. They talked about the loneliness at bed time as they will have flash backs to the person that use to sleep next to them. It is weird to experience those same flash backs but not with a mate, but with my mom. I miss her so much at night...

The group also asked/assumed I had a boyfriend to help me through this. When I stated I was single the conversation quickly changed to how I needed to find someone to help me. Why do I need a man to help me? Yes, companionship would be nice but the last thing I need is a stress of a relationship. What these women do not realize is that I experience a partnership with my mom. I saw how stressful a relationship can be when money, responsibility, etc is added to the mix. I no longer have a fairy tale fantasy and I know the last thing I need is that stress in my life right now. I am too wrapped around my life right now to add someone new to that mix. I know I do not have it in me to give to a relationship what I need to right now and I wish I didn't feel like society wants to marry me off because I cannot handle life alone.

Yesterday was a weird, stressful day. Hopefully Sarah and I find our community that can help us and not leave us "mommy shopping."

The new normal...

Hello world...

I should warn you now, I am not a writer nor do I want to be (so sorry in advance for grammar errors and typos). I am just a girl looking to help others going through the same situation, as well as find those people like me. My mom passed away a little over a month ago, on May 14th, 2011 to be exact. I was 24, my sister was 19 and she was 53. My sister and I have an estranged relationship with my dad, so losing my mom was losing the world. Over the past month I have been challenged to move along in my "new normal" and have not had much success. I am a person that relies on facts and proof and no matter how hard I search there is no fact or proof that will show me my mom is still with me or that she is watching over me. All I have is my faith and too be honest that hasn't been enough. So that has lead me here...

The name of this blog "Over the Rainbow" is named for my mom. She loved rainbows and I feel it represents where I am right now. Rainbows cannot be touched only viewed from a far, just like my mom now. Like a rainbow, I do not know where she is or when she will appear (if ever) I just have to work through the storm hoping to find a glimmer of hope on the other side. Each day is a challenge, but like my mom, I am not afraid of that.

I have spent this past month reading books, going through therapy, talking to friends and calling every medium/psychic in the phone book looking for a quick fix and a way out of the emptiness that I feel. Every road has lead me to this point. I will use this blog to document not only the struggles but also the reasons to keep moving on in hopes I find that rainbow. It will also be a place to share who my mom was and how she lived her life. I know everyone is unique, but my mom's story has to be told and through finding my own peace I will tell hers. My hope is that others can find comfort in knowing they are not alone on this journey. I hope others reach out and find me in their quest of understanding in this madness. As cheesy as it sounds, together we will make it through the storm and land over the rainbow into our new normal.