I never realized how hard it is to be happy. It takes a lot of effort and if one puzzle piece does not fit the happiness will not last for long. Yesterday I can honestly say was the first day I began to feel normal. I even had moments where I would forget everything and just enjoy the moment. As I experienced those times, I would be quickly jolted out by the need to pick up the phone. There was never a day I would not share every little moment with my mom. Endless phone calls while in the car, as she would get mad at me for talking while driving. It became a game for me to keep the conversation moving so quickly that she would not notice that we were talking in the car. Whenever I had a down moment, I would think about my mom and that has not changed. I don't think it ever will.
It is a common phrase to have a hole in your heart, but that is the only way I can explain it. My mom was born with a hole in her heart. Not the metaphorical I speak of but an actual hole. In a lot of ways I feel like this is a cruel joke to show me what my mom went through her whole life. I never realized the pain she went through until now...
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